cleaning your disgusting bathroom thinking about the person who will love me so much one day

I am on my knees. I am naked. I am soaking wet. I'm also holding my breath because I'm not sure the chemicals I mixed in the shower were supposed to go together. It feels almost pornographic, but I am the only one here and I am not turned on. There are no more towells on the hook, that's all. 
I feel ashamed and vaugley sad about the fact there's not really anywhere else I'd want to be, but I also can't really image anything besides this. Watching blackish water circle the shower drain. I have been catatonic for far too long, and I want to scream or hit something or pull my eyelashes out, anything to break this loop. I want to do something different and write something unexpected, I want to discover an animal no one has found before. God, I haven't seen anything new for so long. I am forgetting. Someone tell me: 
WHAT IS IT SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE?